I am going to try to start up with the blogging again.
My life has changed dramatically since I last wrote. I finished my Masters and the most major relationship of my life (apart from my parents) has shifted. I went to Malawi over the summer for dissertation research and to do some work with Bola Moyo. For a number of reasons (but still less than I can count on one hand) I decided to not go back and work in Malawi as I had planned to do for so long and I am no longer involved with Bola Moyo.
Eventually I'll write about all those reasons in this blog, but not today. This is a new chapter in the Child of Chisale saga. My personal and my professional life have shifted and I find that I've lost myself in the chaos of it all in the past few months. I've not been myself. I want myself back (how self-absorbed, I know), and the only way I've ever been able to get clarity about anything in life is to write myself through it. This will still be a mix of the personal and professional, because I've never been able to discern those different aspects of myself so well. (A recurring theme throughout my life that has caused me more trouble than I care to admit.)
So here I am. Hello world - Anachisale - that "clever lady" is back.
Not for better or worse. Not much could have been worse than these past few months. This time it's only for the better.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Back from Malawi
Wow - what an insane month that was...
I'm always shocked by how busy I am whenever I go to Africa. I pack my suitcase chock full of books I'm just certain I'll be able to read, and I usually never have time to read any of them. This time I not only packed books, but articles upon articles to review for exams, read up for my dissertation, etc. I'll let you guess as to how many of them actually got read. One of the issues is that my time there is always limited, so I'm as social as possible whenever I'm there (for better or worse, ugh). That's one of the things I love there - the emphasis on relationships - but it proved to be less than helpful for getting any academic work done this past month.
As of this morning, I am back in London. Although I miss Malawi something fierce (my friend Chiara and I talked about how that place is a drug, and my how it's true!), I'm relieved in a way to be back. I'm looking forward to diving back into my academic work, doing what it takes to successfully complete this masters. The next four months will hold lots of adventure, sleepless nights, and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.
I promise a more thorough recap of this and 'lessons learned' soon - at a point when I can afford the procrastination... For now, I'm going to enjoy my hot shower, my own kitchen, and springtime in the city.
I'm always shocked by how busy I am whenever I go to Africa. I pack my suitcase chock full of books I'm just certain I'll be able to read, and I usually never have time to read any of them. This time I not only packed books, but articles upon articles to review for exams, read up for my dissertation, etc. I'll let you guess as to how many of them actually got read. One of the issues is that my time there is always limited, so I'm as social as possible whenever I'm there (for better or worse, ugh). That's one of the things I love there - the emphasis on relationships - but it proved to be less than helpful for getting any academic work done this past month.
As of this morning, I am back in London. Although I miss Malawi something fierce (my friend Chiara and I talked about how that place is a drug, and my how it's true!), I'm relieved in a way to be back. I'm looking forward to diving back into my academic work, doing what it takes to successfully complete this masters. The next four months will hold lots of adventure, sleepless nights, and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.
I promise a more thorough recap of this and 'lessons learned' soon - at a point when I can afford the procrastination... For now, I'm going to enjoy my hot shower, my own kitchen, and springtime in the city.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Malawi melacholia
I have been in Malawi for a bit over two weeks, and I leave two weeks today. I am already feeling quite melancholy about leaving... Somehow whenever I leave a place, I never, ever fully believe that I'll be back again. Perhaps that comes with having moved 15 times and having gone to 10 different schools by the time I graduated high school. Living the gypsy lifestyle (to an extent - I was a preacher's kid) shaped my personality from a formative age. This has privileged me to a degree, as I've eased fairly easily into the "world citizen" lifestyle in the past couple of years. And yet I long for the roots I wonder if I'll ever have.
Balaka has become a certain kind of home to me, even though I've only ever spent a total of three months here. I have built a certain type of community here, and a good foundation of local relationships for working within this culture and this town. Every time I've come I've built it up by by bit, and then I leave it again. Each time I wonder what will be left standing when I return.
Balaka has become a certain kind of home to me, even though I've only ever spent a total of three months here. I have built a certain type of community here, and a good foundation of local relationships for working within this culture and this town. Every time I've come I've built it up by by bit, and then I leave it again. Each time I wonder what will be left standing when I return.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
indoctrination
Chaos.
I have been living on cappuccinos and energy drinks and about four hours of sleep a night for the past 10 days. My flat is a total disaster area, I have been sick for a week, I haven't run in two weeks, and I've barely seen my friends or my husband. But finally! My assessed work for this term is complete. I will turn it all in to campus this afternoon.
I leave for Malawi tomorrow, and between now and then I have to pack, buy some gifts and necessities for my trip, and download a zillion PDFs for my consultancy project research as well as dissertation research. Depending on how my work goes, I may come back to London a bit early (that is, if my work doesn't go well). When I booked these tickets I had no idea how much work there would be to do over this supposed 'break.'
But I am looking forward to seeing everyone in Balaka again SO very much. At my university it seems like they tell us every day how we are going to graduate from here and automatically be part of the 'global elite.' I can see that this excites many of my classmates, but can I just say how utterly and completely depressing such a statement is?
The Global Elite - really?! I can't help but snort whenever I hear this phrase. Really, who the hell do we think we are?
I will have NONE of that, thankyouverymuch. I'm looking forward to coming back down to Earth again, even if only for a short while.**
**Although I am not looking forward to the 'wow, you've gotten so fat!' comments I am certain to be greeted with this time around... part of being 'back on Earth' I suppose.
PS - Go easy on me, Balaka friends. I doubt I can drink with the best of you anymore! I have gotten so weak. Shamefully, I am down to one or two times a week these days...
I have been living on cappuccinos and energy drinks and about four hours of sleep a night for the past 10 days. My flat is a total disaster area, I have been sick for a week, I haven't run in two weeks, and I've barely seen my friends or my husband. But finally! My assessed work for this term is complete. I will turn it all in to campus this afternoon.
I leave for Malawi tomorrow, and between now and then I have to pack, buy some gifts and necessities for my trip, and download a zillion PDFs for my consultancy project research as well as dissertation research. Depending on how my work goes, I may come back to London a bit early (that is, if my work doesn't go well). When I booked these tickets I had no idea how much work there would be to do over this supposed 'break.'
But I am looking forward to seeing everyone in Balaka again SO very much. At my university it seems like they tell us every day how we are going to graduate from here and automatically be part of the 'global elite.' I can see that this excites many of my classmates, but can I just say how utterly and completely depressing such a statement is?
The Global Elite - really?! I can't help but snort whenever I hear this phrase. Really, who the hell do we think we are?
I will have NONE of that, thankyouverymuch. I'm looking forward to coming back down to Earth again, even if only for a short while.**
**Although I am not looking forward to the 'wow, you've gotten so fat!' comments I am certain to be greeted with this time around... part of being 'back on Earth' I suppose.
PS - Go easy on me, Balaka friends. I doubt I can drink with the best of you anymore! I have gotten so weak. Shamefully, I am down to one or two times a week these days...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Paul Kagame, China in Africa, and my continual quarter life crisis
We are not going to talk about the fact that I am sick again, because it is just NOT happening (my health fares better in tropical climes, I swear!). I am tempted to go into a long analytical tirade about the following topic(s), but will have to refrain due to fatigue and lack of time. However, these are topics I want to bring up now so I can re-visit them soon.
Yesterday afternoon, I went to a talk at Oxford by Paul Kagame, the President of Rwanda. As is the Oxford tradition, there were plenty of loud protesters outside the event, calling Kagame a rapist and child killer due to Rwanda's alleged military involvement in the DRC and support of rebel leader Laurent Nkunda. I was trying to explain this involvement in the DRC to a friend, and how it stems back to the genocide - and was promptly given a headache trying to keep the complexities straight in my mind. In any case, I am a bit ambivalent about Kagame himself. His vision for development in Rwanda in AMAZING, but his counterproductive and morally questionable (although I would argue morally-understandable to some extent) engagement in the DRC is problematic, to say the least.
On a slightly different topic, however... Kagame talked about how he welcomes Chinese investors into his country, and that the West is wrong-headed to be talking about a "New Scramble for Africa." There is so much uproar among western institutions about China's entrance into countries all over the continent, loudly exclaiming about extreme exploitation. I suppose I have mixed feelings on this topic. China's engagement in small arms trade in high-conflict countries and repressive regimes such as Sudan is clearly objectionable (and heinous) and it's sad to see Chinese products replacing African goods in African markets, but they also build roads and railways in areas where no western development agency will touch. The World Bank has shied away from infrastructure projects in recent years, focusing instead on so-called community development (I'm pretty convinced the WB is a total failure at this). Clearly, I love community development as much as the next person (I studied it after all!) but roads are still required if any type of large-scale social development is going to take place. Kudos to the Chinese for that.
Another point is that I have never heard an African talk badly about the Chinese. Last year I went to a talk by Mo Ibrahim - the founder of CelTel (now Zain) and a man I greatly admire - who also vigorously defended China's involvement in Africa. Zambian economist Dambisa Moyo talks about the failures of aid and the opportunities the lay in the relationship between Africa and China. Am I really in a position to question China's various levels of involvement when I've never heard an African say a negative word about them (including non-elites)? They will inevitably become more important throughout Africa during this time of great crisis in the western capital markets. Consequently, their involvement should be engaged with critically but productively. The 'China in Africa' phenomenon is not going away, and for the West to take some sort of moral high ground in this so-called New Scramble is ridiculous. It is the soul of hypocrisy.
Kagame talked about how Rwandese need to view themselves as equals in the global marketplace - they need to frame Rwanda was attractive for investors instead of begging for the international aid we all realize is largely ineffective. (In this regard, perhaps this financial crisis is an opportunity for Africa instead of a crisis, as Dambisa Moyo would argue - an opportunity to be innovative and try new approaches). He spoke strongly of the failures of the UN and the international financial institutions, and clearly defined his vision for the actively self-determined future of Rwandese and all Africans.
I am inspired by this vision. I think it is the only way to move forward.
On a more self-centred note, as someone who has envisioned living a good bit of her life in Africa, I have to ask myself, where does this leave me? If it is truly up to Africans (and it is!), what is the point of a life like mine? Is there still a place for stubborn do-gooders such as myself, or is it time to give up the ghost? It's difficult to parse this, because my personal and professional passions are indivisible. I'm left not only with questioning an entire industry, but questioning the basis of my entire self-image and self-worth. I've envisaged spending much of my life living and working in Africa for many, many years now... but is there any way to harmonize this with a self-determined future for Africans? You'd think I'd be able to answer this question after spending the past six months studying and obsessively dissecting "development," but no. The answers I've found only lead to more difficult questions.*
*[Addendum, added 14 March: I suppose I should say that it's not that I didn't make these sorts of observations before re: Africa's future and MY personal/professional future - because I did, quietly, all the time. But now that I've invested so much into my so-called profession with this grad school business, I really have to start asking the hard questions about what role this means I can play... and what I'll need to sacrifice from my own personal vision to help realize this greater vision. Soon I'll no longer have the luxury to simply ask questions, soon it will be time to get off my arse and act. As is usually the case, I suspect my life will look quite a bit different than I envisioned some years ago. Different in ways I couldn't have imagined or predicted.]
That's enough self-reflective wankery for now. Back to work.
Onward!
Yesterday afternoon, I went to a talk at Oxford by Paul Kagame, the President of Rwanda. As is the Oxford tradition, there were plenty of loud protesters outside the event, calling Kagame a rapist and child killer due to Rwanda's alleged military involvement in the DRC and support of rebel leader Laurent Nkunda. I was trying to explain this involvement in the DRC to a friend, and how it stems back to the genocide - and was promptly given a headache trying to keep the complexities straight in my mind. In any case, I am a bit ambivalent about Kagame himself. His vision for development in Rwanda in AMAZING, but his counterproductive and morally questionable (although I would argue morally-understandable to some extent) engagement in the DRC is problematic, to say the least.
On a slightly different topic, however... Kagame talked about how he welcomes Chinese investors into his country, and that the West is wrong-headed to be talking about a "New Scramble for Africa." There is so much uproar among western institutions about China's entrance into countries all over the continent, loudly exclaiming about extreme exploitation. I suppose I have mixed feelings on this topic. China's engagement in small arms trade in high-conflict countries and repressive regimes such as Sudan is clearly objectionable (and heinous) and it's sad to see Chinese products replacing African goods in African markets, but they also build roads and railways in areas where no western development agency will touch. The World Bank has shied away from infrastructure projects in recent years, focusing instead on so-called community development (I'm pretty convinced the WB is a total failure at this). Clearly, I love community development as much as the next person (I studied it after all!) but roads are still required if any type of large-scale social development is going to take place. Kudos to the Chinese for that.
Another point is that I have never heard an African talk badly about the Chinese. Last year I went to a talk by Mo Ibrahim - the founder of CelTel (now Zain) and a man I greatly admire - who also vigorously defended China's involvement in Africa. Zambian economist Dambisa Moyo talks about the failures of aid and the opportunities the lay in the relationship between Africa and China. Am I really in a position to question China's various levels of involvement when I've never heard an African say a negative word about them (including non-elites)? They will inevitably become more important throughout Africa during this time of great crisis in the western capital markets. Consequently, their involvement should be engaged with critically but productively. The 'China in Africa' phenomenon is not going away, and for the West to take some sort of moral high ground in this so-called New Scramble is ridiculous. It is the soul of hypocrisy.
Kagame talked about how Rwandese need to view themselves as equals in the global marketplace - they need to frame Rwanda was attractive for investors instead of begging for the international aid we all realize is largely ineffective. (In this regard, perhaps this financial crisis is an opportunity for Africa instead of a crisis, as Dambisa Moyo would argue - an opportunity to be innovative and try new approaches). He spoke strongly of the failures of the UN and the international financial institutions, and clearly defined his vision for the actively self-determined future of Rwandese and all Africans.
I am inspired by this vision. I think it is the only way to move forward.
On a more self-centred note, as someone who has envisioned living a good bit of her life in Africa, I have to ask myself, where does this leave me? If it is truly up to Africans (and it is!), what is the point of a life like mine? Is there still a place for stubborn do-gooders such as myself, or is it time to give up the ghost? It's difficult to parse this, because my personal and professional passions are indivisible. I'm left not only with questioning an entire industry, but questioning the basis of my entire self-image and self-worth. I've envisaged spending much of my life living and working in Africa for many, many years now... but is there any way to harmonize this with a self-determined future for Africans? You'd think I'd be able to answer this question after spending the past six months studying and obsessively dissecting "development," but no. The answers I've found only lead to more difficult questions.*
*[Addendum, added 14 March: I suppose I should say that it's not that I didn't make these sorts of observations before re: Africa's future and MY personal/professional future - because I did, quietly, all the time. But now that I've invested so much into my so-called profession with this grad school business, I really have to start asking the hard questions about what role this means I can play... and what I'll need to sacrifice from my own personal vision to help realize this greater vision. Soon I'll no longer have the luxury to simply ask questions, soon it will be time to get off my arse and act. As is usually the case, I suspect my life will look quite a bit different than I envisioned some years ago. Different in ways I couldn't have imagined or predicted.]
That's enough self-reflective wankery for now. Back to work.
Onward!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Joyously inappropriate
As an interlude to the stressful hell of my life right now...
I had one fantastically fun commute home tonight. My friend who is visiting from the states right now is an ABBA fan and saw Mamma Mia with me the other night. Tonight we rocked out from Central London the whole way back to my flat on the Underground, listening to ABBA Gold Greatest Hits on my iPhone. Interpretive dancing to Dancing Queen, Lay All Your Love On Me, Voulez-Vous, Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight), and Waterloo might have occurred.
The Brits are so funny. Everyone in our carriage was so obviously entertained by our unabashed goofiness, yet were very intentionally and strategically avoiding eye contact or even vaguely looking in our direction.
I get better and better at being improper the longer I live in this proper country.
I had one fantastically fun commute home tonight. My friend who is visiting from the states right now is an ABBA fan and saw Mamma Mia with me the other night. Tonight we rocked out from Central London the whole way back to my flat on the Underground, listening to ABBA Gold Greatest Hits on my iPhone. Interpretive dancing to Dancing Queen, Lay All Your Love On Me, Voulez-Vous, Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight), and Waterloo might have occurred.
The Brits are so funny. Everyone in our carriage was so obviously entertained by our unabashed goofiness, yet were very intentionally and strategically avoiding eye contact or even vaguely looking in our direction.
I get better and better at being improper the longer I live in this proper country.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
pang'ono pang'ono
I am due for a bit more pole-pole in my life... also known as pang'ono pang'ono, depending on your locale.
Thankfully, Nathan is doing a bit better. I was not at all impressed by the 'care' he was given at the emergency room. I have been in the ER many times with my father and other people, and never have I seen such shoddy care (and this in one of the more developed countries of the world!)... Not even a glass of water offered in 16+ hours, much less anything done to address what was causing the terrible pain. So, still no answers. We are existing in a space of unknowns together right now. At least we like each other. If only just a little.
Generally I am a fan of the NHS, but when it comes to emergency services, apparently they are SORELY lacking. Anyway, Nathan is home now and semi-ambulatory with crutches, so that's an improvement. I considered cancelling my Malawi trip, but he is insisting I go. His father will probably be visiting for part of the time instead, which is good since he is due for a visit anyhow. I've taken two days off work for this - which I don't regret AT ALL for a loved one - but now I am that much further behind. Now running running running to catch up!!! (Figuratively speaking, not so much literally the past few days.)
Optimistically, the next couple of weeks carries promise of the London Eye, a couple of musicals, a big end of term dinner with friends, too much coffee, lots of late nights of panicky research for my internship followed by several days of manic essay-writing. Then I throw things into a backpack and fly away.
I realize how ridiculously lucky I am when I list all of this, and yet I ask that you please humor me while I indulge in a bit of escapism right now.
I'm a pretty simple girl, really. Right now my perfect day would be an afternoon of hanging out with these beautiful people,
followed by a bit of gossiping, dancing and singing with the adult learners in Balaka,
then an evening of Stout, fried chicken, and silly dancing, probably with these girls:
(PHOTO CENSORED)
Or I'd be going swimming in the Indian ocean with these kids, whom I adore to excess,
later watching these kids in Balaka doing my favorite dance (I forget what it's called, but it's brilliant!),
Then beers with my friend Mshila, the village nurse in Takaungu, Kenya - the funniest person I know ...
If only all of these loved ones lived in the same village, I'd keep it as my home forever.
Back to work now...
What does YOUR perfect day look like?
Thankfully, Nathan is doing a bit better. I was not at all impressed by the 'care' he was given at the emergency room. I have been in the ER many times with my father and other people, and never have I seen such shoddy care (and this in one of the more developed countries of the world!)... Not even a glass of water offered in 16+ hours, much less anything done to address what was causing the terrible pain. So, still no answers. We are existing in a space of unknowns together right now. At least we like each other. If only just a little.
Generally I am a fan of the NHS, but when it comes to emergency services, apparently they are SORELY lacking. Anyway, Nathan is home now and semi-ambulatory with crutches, so that's an improvement. I considered cancelling my Malawi trip, but he is insisting I go. His father will probably be visiting for part of the time instead, which is good since he is due for a visit anyhow. I've taken two days off work for this - which I don't regret AT ALL for a loved one - but now I am that much further behind. Now running running running to catch up!!! (Figuratively speaking, not so much literally the past few days.)
Optimistically, the next couple of weeks carries promise of the London Eye, a couple of musicals, a big end of term dinner with friends, too much coffee, lots of late nights of panicky research for my internship followed by several days of manic essay-writing. Then I throw things into a backpack and fly away.
I realize how ridiculously lucky I am when I list all of this, and yet I ask that you please humor me while I indulge in a bit of escapism right now.
I'm a pretty simple girl, really. Right now my perfect day would be an afternoon of hanging out with these beautiful people,
followed by a bit of gossiping, dancing and singing with the adult learners in Balaka,
then an evening of Stout, fried chicken, and silly dancing, probably with these girls:
Or I'd be going swimming in the Indian ocean with these kids, whom I adore to excess,
later watching these kids in Balaka doing my favorite dance (I forget what it's called, but it's brilliant!),
Then beers with my friend Mshila, the village nurse in Takaungu, Kenya - the funniest person I know ...
If only all of these loved ones lived in the same village, I'd keep it as my home forever.
Back to work now...
What does YOUR perfect day look like?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
